it's been a rough week. and as per usual, i love to sit and be reflective. reflective on the things that are, reflective of the things that could have been if i hadn't fucked them up. but you know what conclusion i've come to? we can do everything we think is right, but it's inevitable we're going to fuck up. and i fucked up hardcore. but i'm glad i did. because if i hadn't, i wouldn't be where i am. and i and happy to be here.
some background might be appropriate, if i may. for the past year, i've been unhappy. unhappy in work, unhappy with friends, unhappy with dating, unhappy with my own spirituality. so i floundered. in reality, i did nothing. it's that whole, better staying in what i know than venturing into the fear of the unknown. change is hard. hard work. and i'm lazy. status quo is a lot easier. it doesn't mean i didn't daydream of an escape. who doesn't? running away? discovering a different person than the hopelessly flawed girl back home was? i got the chance to do just that.
as luck would have it, i was sent to canada on work assignment for 3 weeks. 3 weeks! i was away from my family, away from my friends, and i was all alone in a foreign land. and it was glorious. i didn't have to worry about any of the temptations back at home, and i could completely be myself in a place where no one knew me, where no one had preconceived notions of who i was, and where i had no obligations to anyone other than myself. and something changed in me. i knew who i was and what i was capable of. i didn't need anyone or anything to give me the validation i so desperately craved back home. everyone wants to feel special. everyone wants to feel like they matter. but my problem: i compromised myself all to often to stay there. i don't understand why, and i don't believe in spending thousands of dollars and countless hours with a shrink to try and figure it out. it doesn't take rocket science to understand it's unhealthy. people need to be themselves, to love themselves, and be comfortable enough in their own skin to not tolerate shitty behavior from other people. (not that i was tolerating shitty behavior from other people, but just as a generalized statement.) anyway, back to the matter at hand.
after that 3 weeks was over i had to come back. come back to the reality that is home, and all the trimmings that come with it. but i don't want to go back to the person i was before i left. i spent 3 glorious weeks being my own person, not worrying about what anyone else thought. i took charge, i became empowered, and i learned how to solve my own problems without calling a friend to drink them away, or being distracted by facebook or the latest posting on instagram. after all, i'm thirty-fucking-one years old. i don't need to get caught up in the bullshit anymore. so i take small steps. i talk about my feelings, i shut down the facebook, i even log out of instagram, and i isolate myself again from the busyness of insignificant social network relationships and validation, of the people and things that distract me from who i truly am, but this time it's not the physical distance that separates us. it's my choice to pursue what i find to be truly meaningful in life. my relationship with God, my relationship with my family, and my relationship with those people i truly care about, and that truly care about me. i don't need anything else.