beauty.

it's another gorgeous portland night.  and as the sun sets in the west, cotton candy clouds of soft pink and sun reflective yellow beckoning the moon to rise, i can't help but be thankful.  thankful and blessed.  this world is so beautiful, and i cherish being a part of it.

it's been a rough week.  and as per usual, i love to sit and be reflective.  reflective on the things that are, reflective of the things that could have been if i hadn't fucked them up.  but you know what conclusion i've come to?  we can do everything we think is right, but it's inevitable we're going to fuck up.  and i fucked up hardcore.  but i'm glad i did.  because if i hadn't, i wouldn't be where i am.  and i and happy to be here.

some background might be appropriate, if i may.  for the past year, i've been unhappy.  unhappy in work, unhappy with friends, unhappy with dating, unhappy with my own spirituality.  so i floundered.  in reality, i did nothing.  it's that whole, better staying in what i know than venturing into the fear of the unknown.  change is hard.  hard work.  and i'm lazy.  status quo is a lot easier.  it doesn't mean i didn't daydream of an escape.  who doesn't?  running away?  discovering a different person than the hopelessly flawed girl back home was?  i got the chance to do just that.

as luck would have it, i was sent to canada on work assignment for 3 weeks.  3 weeks!  i was away from my family, away from my friends, and i was all alone in a foreign land.  and it was glorious.  i didn't have to worry about any of the temptations back at home, and i could completely be myself in a place where no one knew me, where no one had preconceived notions of who i was, and where i had no obligations to anyone other than myself.  and something changed in me.  i knew who i was and what i was capable of.  i didn't need anyone or anything to give me the validation i so desperately craved back home.  everyone wants to feel special.  everyone wants to feel like they matter.  but my problem:  i compromised myself all to often to stay there.  i don't understand why, and i don't believe in spending thousands of dollars and countless hours with a shrink to try and figure it out.  it doesn't take rocket science to understand it's unhealthy.  people need to be themselves, to love themselves, and be comfortable enough in their own skin to not tolerate shitty behavior from other people.  (not that i was tolerating shitty behavior from other people, but just as a generalized statement.)  anyway, back to the matter at hand.  

after that 3 weeks was over i had to come back.  come back to the reality that is home, and all the trimmings that come with it.  but i don't want to go back to the person i was before i left.  i spent 3 glorious weeks being my own person, not worrying about what anyone else thought.  i took charge, i became empowered, and i learned how to solve my own problems without calling a friend to drink them away, or being distracted by facebook or the latest posting on instagram.  after all, i'm thirty-fucking-one years old.  i don't need to get caught up in the bullshit anymore.  so i take small steps.  i talk about my feelings, i shut down the facebook, i even log out of instagram, and i isolate myself again from the busyness of insignificant social network relationships and validation, of the people and things that distract me from who i truly am, but this time it's not the physical distance that separates us.  it's my choice to pursue what i find to be truly meaningful in life.  my relationship with God, my relationship with my family, and my relationship with those people i truly care about, and that truly care about me.  i don't need anything else. 

dangerous liaison.

it’s time i came clean:  i've been caught in a dangerous liaison, all of my own volition.  and one i've relished and enjoyed, despite it clearly being wrong.  so here goes my confession.  and writing seems the best way to do it.  so bear with me as i undergo this catharsis in unraveling what has now become my reality:  my story.  i have been involved with a taken man.

bear in mind there will be no shedding of any tears here.  as much as i care and respect him (as much as any woman can care and respect this sort of man,) i have to admit he’s not worth it.  i may hang my head in shame at participating in such unscrupulous behavior, but crying isn’t going to get me anywhere.  hiding under a rock and exclaiming, “i just want to die!” won’t solve the problem either.  (the first hunger pang would strike, and you’d find me at potato champion, and maybe whiffie pie while i'm at it.)  all i can do is just stop now.  but the truth is --- i don’t want to.  and that’s what kills me the most.

there’s a reason i got mixed up in all this to begin with.  after all, i am no fool.  you won’t find me comparing myself to his girlfriend (who i don’t know anyway,) nor will you find me making any sort of superiority claims as though i’m God’s gift to mankind.  (okay, maybe just a little.  i can’t help myself.)  i call it like it is:  a dangerous liaison.  i’m the cecile de volanges to his vicomte de valmont.  at first, i was ever the reluctant, knowing it was wrong, worried about compromising my own confession of morality.  but it was exciting.  it was new.  and soon, i became the willing participant, relishing in the wonders of secret rendezvous.  and if you haven’t dangerous liaisons, GET IT NOW.  it's my fav.

but back to the story at hand.  it’s okay to judge me.  i deserve it.  especially the not wanting to give him up part.  sure, i know all the ramifications of what i’m doing.  i know he doesn’t respect me.  i know he doesn’t respect his girlfriend.  and the reality is i would never want to date him even if he did break up with her.  after all, who's to say he wouldn't do it to me?  and quite frankly, i am much better without him in my life, thank you very much.  i know there’s no justification worthy of such behavior, even if his girlfriend was the biggest fuck in the world, it doesn’t make any of it right.  and i know it messes with my head.  i know it consumes much more of me than i would care to admit.  and all i can say is:  i like him.  (insert eye roll.)  i like what we have.  which really isn't anything, nor does it mean anything.  there are any number of men i could like instead, men that have the capacity to forge a meaningful relationship with me.

yet, instead of allowing myself to truly internalize its deepening significance, i’ve decided to brush it off as meaningless, secretly hoping i'll never have to deal with it, that it will just sort of work itself out in the end.  we know that will never happen.

i don’t know why he has such a hold on me.  it's utter foolishness.  do i really think so poorly of myself that i need his accolades?  besides, in this relationship, he gets the better end of the deal, for he’s getting everything he wants from me, while i'm left with nothing.  i could argue as a woman of this day and age that i can think and act like a man, separating the emotional from the physical, but i can’t.  and i don’t want to.

so here is my confession.  here is my dangerous liaison.  and i write because it keeps me accountable.  and because i'm at a point in my life where i actually want my life to mean something.  and i don't need anything to hold me back.  but i would be remiss at leaving out one part:  as wrong as all this was, i am thankful.  thankful because for one of the first times in my life i felt i could be completely myself and not be ashamed at my 80s loving, heel wearing, cookie baking self.  i could be the biggest goober on the planet and all it did was make the affair that much more exciting.  but was that even true?  i don't think i'll ever know.

an illusion.

oh sweet dreamland, i wish i could stay in you forever!  i don't want to take life for what it is:  a place that doesn't revolve around me, myself, and i.  (although it would solve everything.)  rather, i must realize i live in a place called reality.  if i wanted fantasyland, i'd move into sleeping beauty's castle at disneyland.  (my childhood dream!)  but i regress...

i know i've prided myself on being able to take life for what it is.  i am a fully capable grown woman after all, and i know my shit.  i don't need to ask anyone for advice, or for any direction for that matter.  heading down that realm just means i'm trying to justify something i know i shouldn't be doing.  isn't that the case most of the time anyway?  honestly, when people start asking for advice, particularly relationship advice, it really isn't advice they're looking for.  they just want justification for what they've already determined doing.  yes, there might be the occasional moment when we're really at a loss and need some objective perspective, but then again, that's not what we're really seeking.  we turn to friends that obviously have biases and are more inclined to make us happy than slapping us with the cold, hard truth, so really, we're no better off than we were before.

but that silly pride has lead not only to self-righteousness, but this girl has full on embodied the "stupid girl syndrome."  you know exactly what i mean.  foolishly, i've built myself up, justifying my behavior by saying, "i know what this all means.  and i'm willing to accept it for what it is."  but that's a farce.  because i really am not willing to take it at face value.  i don't want to take it for what it is, i want it to be different.  and i can't have it.  but instead of letting go, i am that stupid girl that hangs on, hoping things will change.  oh silly, silly me.  and now i'm that retard asking for advice when all i'm looking for is justification.  funny thing is, people know that i'm the type of person that doesn't look to make someone happy when they ask for advice, and they're dishing it right back at me.  (thank God i have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  i need a swift kick in the ass every once in awhile.)

most of the time i would say communication is key.  there's no better way to work out your problems than talking through them.  but in this instance, it does me no good.  here's the thing with communication:  you have to realize your objective.  what do you really want from it?  do you really want to work together to resolve an issue?  are you willing to compromise?  or do you just want the other person to agree with you or taunt your own feelings as superior while making the other person feel bad?  communication really only works when you're willing to put aside your own selfishness for the good of the relationship.  you really just want to make things better.  for me?  it ain't gonna work that way, because i wouldn't be able to put aside my selfishness, and it really wouldn't make things better.  hence the whole reason i can no longer continue in fantasyland.  (but i still want sleeping beauty's castle.)

le sigh.  life is hard.  but i must realize that life isn't about me.  God has blessed me with so many things to be thankful for, and it's times like this i realize my humanity, and am humbled in reverence.  seriously, how could i ask for more when i've already been given so much?  and i know in His perfect timing that He'll give me the desires of my heart when i trust in Him.

my problem.

well now, we both know that's not entirely true.  i have many problems.  as much as it pains me to say, i am not perfect, but hell, life isn't about being perfect, so i'll take my weakness in stride and live to see another day.  but when it comes to men, i have one (okay, maybe two) problems i seem to always run into.  one:  i am overly emotional.  i know, it's as if you hadn't already noticed.  i am a woman, after all.  and yes, oh yes, all too often i'm quick to jump in with both feet, with no real thought or consideration as to what i'm doing or what the consequences may be.  i get giddy, i get excited, i want to hang onto that good feeling for as long as possible until i realize, "wait a second.  this may not be such a good idea."

which leads me to problem number two:  my tendency to gravitate toward unavailable men.  which is an even worse problem if you ask me.  emotionally unavailable?  i'm your girl.  physically unavailable?  oh hell yes!  count me in.  don't like me?  hello new best friend.  holy crap, i really am doomed to a life of spinsterhood and eventual eating by dogs.  what life to look forward to!

so what brings on this sudden admission of failure?  call it venting frustration.  frustration mostly with myself, of course.  in less than two months, i've gone cuckoo for cocoa puffs over some man emotionally and physically "i really like you but let's get together in group settings" then never contact you again unavailable; participated in some unscrupulous text flirtation over food (food is after all, tres sexy) with someone already taken (i know, i know, i know); and finally, taking the easy way out, i entertained myself by stringing a man along who will more than willingly admire me for what i look like but when it comes to real relationship, will never follow through.  his excuse, "i don't date."  life is rough.

but you know what?  really, it's not all as bad as it may seem.  yes, i'm emotional.  yes, i'm dramatic.  but there's nothing wrong with being emotional.  and there's nothing wrong with a little drama.  it makes life fun and exciting when everyday is a new adventure and you can't wait to see what it may bring.  and yes, i will happily accept this oh so wonderful stereotype my gender has been assigned.  if the shoe fits, i'll wear it.  (let's make it some luscious heels while we're at it.)  call me crazy, but i figure as long as there's a little logic and rationality thrown into the mix, it can't be all as bad as it seems.  but getting down to the nitty gritty isn't always easy, certainly isn't fun, but unfortunately (or fortunately), it has to be done.

after all, i'm willing to recognize reality for what it is:  the "i really like you but group dates are my thing" man?  just because dating someone begins as the most amazing thing in the world doesn't mean he's the right person for you.  you know, everyone has their own shit they have to deal with.  i come with a little baggage myself.  i am far from perfect.  (i just hope the man i end up with has a sense of humor.)  and it might even just be that he didn't like me as much as i liked him (shock!)  but that's just the way it goes sometimes.  you can't win them all.  (unless you're mormon.  damn polygamists.)  and unscrupulous texter?  i wish i hadn't let my emotions get the better of me.  i know better.  i just didn't want to believe the reality because the fantasy was too much fun.  and the man with russian hands and roman fingers, more interested in what panties i was wearing than taking me on a bona fide date?  good Lord, i'm 30 years old and don't have to deal with that shit anymore.  i'd rather stay in my awkward state of celibacy, thank you very much.

you see, the emotion and drama get us going.  it's the reality that keeps us in check, keeps us grounded, and when it comes down to it, allows us to enjoy the excitement that much more.  because we recognize that when it does happen just the way we hope, magic has been made.

love, sex, and everything in between.

"date."  it may as well be another four letter word.  we brush it off like scarlett o'hara reasoning, "i can't think about that today or i'll go crazy.  i'll think about that tomorrow."  this single word is so far loaded it's been reduced to "hanging out."  that way we don't have to worry about it.  we don't have to worry about rejection if things don't go right.  we don't have to adhere to traditional gender roles because everyone is on an equal playing field.  it allows us to be non-committal, obtuse.  but what it really does it just confuse everything. 

but i'm going on a bunny trail here.  that's another post for another time.  but with any luck, ultimately all this "dating" eventually leads to a blossoming relationship, one rich in communication, mutual respect, understanding, and admiration.  wait, did i detect a hint of sarcasm there?  because here's where it all goes wrong.  i can't tell you the number of times i'm relayed a story.  a story in which a person addresses a major concern only to conclude he or she is lacking empathy and being selfish in the relationship.  but really, that's not the problem.  they just want to avoid any "confrontation" sharing their feelings might bring.  and they worry they'll lose their relationship.  so it turns into a quest to avoid one's feelings in an effort hang on to the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it may be.  after all, something is better than nothing, right?  of course not you stupid head!  but you have to figure that out on your own.  i just hope sooner rather than later.

but again, i'm going on a bunny trail.  because my ultimate goal in all this, which i have been very lax about getting to the point of is....  drum roll please!  SEX.  oh yes, sex.  wonderful, glorious sex.  something very near and dear to every one of us.  a mystery wrapped in an enigma.  a basic need, a want.  exciting, but scary.  immediate, consequential.  it's something we all understand but yet have such difficult time dealing with.  a simple three letter word that changes everything.

a friend of mine recently wrote a beautiful blog post telling the story of budding love.  boy likes girl.  boy asks for girl's number.  boy and girl go out.  but what happens when sex enters the mix?  the thought terrified him.  to the point that it had hindered dating in the first place to avoid the sexual temptation it would surely bring.  because sex is sacred, and it should be treated as such.  i'm going to go out on a limb here and make a blanket statement that i'm pretty sure is true, regardless of whether or not you agree:  sex and commitment go hand in hand, whether you like it or not.  casual sex doesn't exist.  it's a rationale for non-committal relationships to satisfy this "basic need" without consequence.  (but there are always consequences.)  but the problem is, in a world so sex focused, what if the whole casual sex thing isn't what you're all about?  what if what you want is to establish commitment first and enjoy sex later?  are you laughed at?  are you frowned upon?  do you get dumped just because you're not willing to go there? 

a couple of months ago, a gorgeous superman look-a-like (and i'm not joking, this guy really did look like a young christopher reeve) chatted me up on one of my many karaoke escapades.  as the conversation turned to religion, he told me about a girl he had recently not only dated but fell in love with.  (apparently i'm not very good at small talk and like to get to the nitty gritty.)  she was religious and extremely conservative in her sexual values, wanting to wait until marriage.  he was not.  undetered by the boudary presented, he continued his pursuit and soon fell in love with her.  as his first sex-free relationship, he was taken back at how well they were able to work through problems and grow closer together without having sex to muddy the waters.  unfortunately in the end, she didn't feel the same for him and the relationship ended, but their mutual respect and understanding for one another allowed them to part on friendly terms.  this isn't to say that taking sex out of the equation always results in such happy endings (if you can call this a happy ending) but it certainly eliminates the many emotions and bonds and complexities created when two bodies become one.

i am no sex expert.  but i am human.  and 100% sexual, whether it's agreeable to me or not.  (i wrote about it -- trust me, most of the time it's not.  damn hormones.)  and my own conclusion?  communication is key.  communication and mutual respect.  sex can be a wonderful and glorious thing, or it can rip you apart.  but anyone that truly cares about you will listen and will respect your feelings and boundaries.  and if not, you should question whether or not you should really be with that person.  now i am not promiscuous, wait, i should rephrase that, what i mean is experienced by any means, but anyone that reads this blog might think otherwise.  okay, okay, so i full on admit i used to be a makeout whore, kissing basically anything with a fifth appendage, (so there's your promiscuity,) but when it comes to the bedroom stuff?  totally not.  i have not slept around.  and at least i can say (okay, even with a little pride,) that other than the entire irish soccer team on my 21st birthday, i can name all but one of the men i have made out with.  oh, but there was that german dude in santa monica...  i guess that makes two.  ooops.  and i just might have gone to the goonies 20th anniversary reunion on a date with hickies and a bruised lower lip from the night before...  (i blame the red sea!)  but again, totally not sexually promiscuous! 

being naked (or lets face it, even half-naked) with a man takes things to a totally different level.  if i could change anything about my life, in all honesty, i would take my virginity back.  i went through so much pain over such a long period of time trying to deal with the feelings and emotions sex created in me.  because sex is sacred, and i hadn't treated it like the treasure it is.  once you go there, and once you know the pleasure it can bring, it's hard not to keep going.  it's hard to take a step back and say you're not going to anymore until the time is right.  and because in the modern world, where sex is so easily dismissed as just another flirtation, it's no wonder we sit in contemplation, trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.  (although you already know.  you just don't want to.)  i commend my friend for he wrote.  i commend him for being honest enough as a guy to say, "this is an issue i know causes me grief, and this is how i feel about it."  because for most people it does.  but what to do?  that ultimate choice is yours.